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Busty cougar Carrie Ann fucks herself with a huge dildo. While the great escape artist was known for being able to free himself from some pretty tight squeezes, the odds are his wang didn't have its own road show where it did the same thing.

Nonetheless this product exists, apparently for the sole purpose of slapping what appears to be roughly 10 pounds of leftover steel plumbing bits to your unit, just so you can't fiddle with it.

Breast enhancement is nothing new in our world, but if you look closely at this picture using your keen detective skills, you may notice something is amiss.

Indeed, these appear to be some sort of strap-on boobies for men. Because what's the fun of putting on grandma's support hose and her best Sunday dress if you don't have the jugs to match?

There was a scene in Billy Madison when Adam Sandler is talking to a kid when he first gets to high school and the kid says "I was a loser in denial too.

Until the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass. So did the designers of this toy. But unlike you, they thought it was an awesome idea.

Sex toys are often sold under the guise of bringing couples together and based on experiences we've repressed from summer camp in our teen years, we feel confident saying that few things get you closer to another human than an anal speculum.

Sometimes you get to the point where the standard human dong just doesn't do it for you, no matter how unrealistic the proportions.

For those people, the caring deviants in the fake dong industry put their skills to work in making a dildo modeled after the junk of an orca whale.

Did you happen to have a Space Hopper when you were a kid? And were you hoping someone could make your childhood memories of that toy disturbed and traumatic?

Today is your lucky day. This delightful little inflatable foot stool is designed with a flat bottom, so no more falling down and breaking bones then having to call the EMTs and explain you were just dusting when you slipped and somehow got this jammed in your nether regions.

As best we can tell, this must be some kind of boxing glove they must call it "fisting" in Europe. But why would this be in a catalog of sex toys?

It is a scientific fact that every human being will, at one time or another, have a sexual fantasy in which they're that really weird Gremlin from Gremlins 2 that got turned into electricity and stuck in the phone lines.

It was for that reason that this product was made. Now, without having to involve any Mogwai at all, you too can electrocute the living shit out of yourself, your partner, the cat, the mailman, or anyone else you can chase down and grab hold of.

As an added bonus, it will all be super sexy. Not intended for use for those with a cardiac pacemaker or if you are pregnant.

See, sex toys don't have to be all about you. They can just as easily be used to give pleasure to another, like, say, your best friend.

This may or may not be stuck at the concept phase, but face it, it's probably the coolest looking dog toy you've ever seen.

Of all the products here most likely to inspire a horror movie, this has to be at the top of the list. What the hell could be scarier than a disembodied, licking tongue?

You stumble into your bathroom at night, open the medicine cabinet and then this thing comes squirming out at you, just The OhMiBod we have to assume that "iCum" was already trademarked is a way for all of us to climax along with the latest Beyonce single, and who wouldn't want that?

The should-have-been-named-iCum just buzzes and throbs along to the beat of whatever you're listening to on your iPod, which makes us wonder if you can hook it up to a video iPod and watch porn on the bus, thus making yourself the creepiest degenerate to ever walk the earth.

Inexplicably mixing an innocent children's bath tub toy with the debauched needs of a something "Cathy" fan, someone came up with this cute little vibrating dildo duck.

Worse yet, it comes in a tiny travel size, for when you plan on leaving home but just don't have the space for your gigantic, novelty duck vibrator in your luggage.

Because driving alone can often leave a man horribly aroused yet unfulfilled, the Auto Suck was designed to plug into any car cigarette lighter.

We figure this invention is a good thing because there's probably tons of school buses out there full of kids who've never once driven past a man humping what amounts to a vacuum attachment in his car.

How else will they learn about the world? Being familiar with the internet as we are, we know there are people who get off on things like smoking, riding crops, vomit, amputees, slide whistles, artichokes, the elderly and yes, even feet.

And while a foot fetish is one thing, this appears to be a rubber foot with a vagina heel. One of the big complaints about sex that most people have is that they can't see four inches inside their partner's special areas.

If only nature had created some manner of lighted probe to accommodate that. Where nature fails, the sex toy industry excels.

Because maybe some people want to mix deviant sexuality and a full fledged nightmare together in a real world setting, this thing exists.

This horrible, dead-eyed abomination with three usable holes. We're not really sure about the logistics involved in this, although it does vaguely reminds us of a He-man action figure we once saw.

That's kinda cool. Also, safe sex is important and if you have a habit of releasing tear gas during love making then this is right up your alley, so to speak.

Sex should appeal to all the senses, which is why flavored lubes, scented oils and rawhide panties exist. But sound has often fallen by the wayside, with the average Joe left to appreciate nothing more than his own occasional grunt or the sobbing of his partner on the phone.

Until now, with the invention of the Stuffoscope! Hey, remember when we said that tongue thing would be most likely to get a horror movie?

We were way fucking wrong.

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It was for that reason that this product was made. Now, without having to involve any Mogwai at all, you too can electrocute the living shit out of yourself, your partner, the cat, the mailman, or anyone else you can chase down and grab hold of.

As an added bonus, it will all be super sexy. Not intended for use for those with a cardiac pacemaker or if you are pregnant.

See, sex toys don't have to be all about you. They can just as easily be used to give pleasure to another, like, say, your best friend.

This may or may not be stuck at the concept phase, but face it, it's probably the coolest looking dog toy you've ever seen. Of all the products here most likely to inspire a horror movie, this has to be at the top of the list.

What the hell could be scarier than a disembodied, licking tongue? You stumble into your bathroom at night, open the medicine cabinet and then this thing comes squirming out at you, just The OhMiBod we have to assume that "iCum" was already trademarked is a way for all of us to climax along with the latest Beyonce single, and who wouldn't want that?

The should-have-been-named-iCum just buzzes and throbs along to the beat of whatever you're listening to on your iPod, which makes us wonder if you can hook it up to a video iPod and watch porn on the bus, thus making yourself the creepiest degenerate to ever walk the earth.

Inexplicably mixing an innocent children's bath tub toy with the debauched needs of a something "Cathy" fan, someone came up with this cute little vibrating dildo duck.

Worse yet, it comes in a tiny travel size, for when you plan on leaving home but just don't have the space for your gigantic, novelty duck vibrator in your luggage.

Because driving alone can often leave a man horribly aroused yet unfulfilled, the Auto Suck was designed to plug into any car cigarette lighter.

We figure this invention is a good thing because there's probably tons of school buses out there full of kids who've never once driven past a man humping what amounts to a vacuum attachment in his car.

How else will they learn about the world? Being familiar with the internet as we are, we know there are people who get off on things like smoking, riding crops, vomit, amputees, slide whistles, artichokes, the elderly and yes, even feet.

And while a foot fetish is one thing, this appears to be a rubber foot with a vagina heel. One of the big complaints about sex that most people have is that they can't see four inches inside their partner's special areas.

If only nature had created some manner of lighted probe to accommodate that. Where nature fails, the sex toy industry excels.

Because maybe some people want to mix deviant sexuality and a full fledged nightmare together in a real world setting, this thing exists.

This horrible, dead-eyed abomination with three usable holes. We're not really sure about the logistics involved in this, although it does vaguely reminds us of a He-man action figure we once saw.

That's kinda cool. Also, safe sex is important and if you have a habit of releasing tear gas during love making then this is right up your alley, so to speak.

Sex should appeal to all the senses, which is why flavored lubes, scented oils and rawhide panties exist. But sound has often fallen by the wayside, with the average Joe left to appreciate nothing more than his own occasional grunt or the sobbing of his partner on the phone.

Until now, with the invention of the Stuffoscope! Hey, remember when we said that tongue thing would be most likely to get a horror movie? We were way fucking wrong.

Near as we can figure, this was designed for people who wanted a blowjob from an incognito Guy Smiley using Burt's eyebrows as a mustache without the rest of his Muppet head getting in the way.

Whatever the case, we haven't slept for days for fear an army of these will attack us and attach themselves to our spinal cords.

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I am Awesome! Photoplasty Photoplasty. Pictofact Pictofacts. Podcast Podcasts. Rav Yosef suggests the following remedy: "We bring warm barley bread and place it upon his anus, and owing to the heat he emits semen, and we observe what happens and see whether or not the perforation remains closed.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Dildo prepared using bread, allegedly made in the Greco-Roman era around 2, years ago.

Ancient Greece portal Human sexuality portal. Ancient Inventions. Ballantine Books. Retrieved May 18, Medical Daily. Cleis Press.

Fragmenta comicorum Graecorum.

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